Lawyer jokes...

[YouShouldFeelPrivileged]

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em 

Ever since I declared I am SERIOUSLY going to law school, my siblings and friends make a lawyer crack at least once a day...and some of them are actually pretty funny.  I know I'm not the only one who has to put up with the abuse, so I figured I'd make a post where you all can share some of the better jokes you've heard/endured, if you like 

[YouShouldFeelPrivileged]

I think those were both pretty funny 
I have one that my step-dad told me recently:

A soccer mom, an accountant, and a lawyer were all asked: how much is 2+2?
The soccer mom immediately replied, "4!"
The accountant ran some calculations before responding 4 as well.
The lawyer pulled the shades, dimmed the lights and said "how much do you want it to be?"

I dunno, that made me chuckle...my family seems to think I'm going to be such a shyster. No idea why...

[vap]

This one has always been one of my favorites:


A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and grumbled, "I hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties."

The lawyer replied, "I know just what you mean. It happens to me all the time."

"How do you handle it," asked the doctor. "It seems rude not to answer a question when you are asked for advice during a social function."

"I just send the person a bill for your time" replied the lawyer.

"That's good," said the doctor. "I'll have to remember that."

The doctor went home and thought about writing a bill to the man who asked about the ulcer, but when he woke up the next day it had already slipped his mind. The night's events came rushing back to him the next day, however, when he opened his mail. In it, he found a bill for $100 from the lawyer for "consultation services rendered."

[vap]

Ah, this one is good, too:


After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the attorney a $100 bill.

After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

[non parata est]

You should check out Courtoons.

[vap]

You should check out Courtoons.

Seconded.

[contrarian]

I think those were both pretty funny 
I have one that my step-dad told me recently:

A soccer mom, an accountant, and a lawyer were all asked: how much is 2+2?
The soccer mom immediately replied, "4!"
The accountant ran some calculations before responding 4 as well.
The lawyer pulled the shades, dimmed the lights and said "how much do you want it to be?"

I dunno, that made me chuckle...my family seems to think I'm going to be such a shyster. No idea why...

Hate to hurt your feelings, but this is traditionally an accountant joke, with the accountant saying "how much do you want it to be."   See... that makes a lot more sense, because accountants are notorious for "creative" accounting that manipulates the numbers to hide income, boost it, etc. etc.

[NYCFed]

There are a few good ones here http://www.jokes.com/stand-up-search/jokes/tag/lawyers