Law School Discussion

please give some advice to my PS!

please give some advice to my PS!
« on: March 10, 2009, 12:07:36 AM »
Personal Statement
During August, 2008, China was immersed in the happiness for holding its first historically Olympic Games. However, I got caught by the police as a protestor on the bus simply for my claiming for privacy. I refused to get my bag checked by the conductor who had no adequate scanning device. We had a drastic quarrel inevitably. Finally, the police came and swept me off the bus. Such an experience sounds so absurd. How come a man who tries to fight for his privacy whereas got caught by the police? What a poor situation of human rights in China.
Stop! Iíve done enough with this though thatís absolutely my real experience. Honestly, the text above is exactly part of my original P.S. But nearly do I lose myself in front of this pale paper. Now Iíve decided to start over, trying to tell you what a real Mr. Yu is like ó a youth of sincerity, responsibility and talents.
To be frank, I donít want to talk about the legal situation of China, or in other words, I canít do it. I used to expect to earn some adoration by putting forward criticism on the legal system of my country. Yet it only turns out my naivety. China is such a special country, where many scholars and professors are working on this significant issue. Neither you nor I is eligible to make any immature comments. So I quit because I donít want to lie to myself, my friends and you.
Iím a straight person; of course in the sexual terms. Iím always straight with my words and my actions, though sometimes it may bring me with some troubles. People like me seems seldom deserve much adoration. Nonetheless, many of my friends said to me that they just like the way Iím because Iím real without any covers. I assure those compliments come from my sincerity which is also my principle of being a man. Hence, I once consider sincerity maybe is the best merit Iíve got.
Like my peers on the earth, I have a 21 yearís old mind full of dreams. I once dreamt to be a news photographer, a guitar player, a business man, a graffiti artistÖbut finally I step on my way of law, making my determination to be a lawyer. In fact, Iím always so close to law. My father is a lawyer running a law firm as the partner. My mother works in the China University of Political Science and Law, in whose neighborhood I grew up. In other words, my family has given me a great influence of law since my childhood. I heard it from my mother: when I was in the primary school, there was a teacher who insulted me because of my poor scores in the test. ďIf you say that again to me, I will accuse you of slander!Ē Itís so unbelievable to hear those words come out from a boy of eight. But that was definitely the little me.
No wonder I choose to pursue my bachelor degree of law in the college; or we say my family makes me to do so. The once untamed wild horse finally comes to compromise because Iíve realized that my parents are always thinking the best for me more than anyone else in the world. At the same time, I, as the only child in the house, eventually got aware of my responsibility to my family.
Although I didnít show much interest in law at the very beginning, Iíve proved it wouldnít prevent me form doing well in this field. Under the guidance of my professors, not only have I learned the contents of the law codes and the rules to apply, but the profound thoughts they reflect. Spending two summers in the law firm, I accumulated much experience and confirmed my willingness to be an honored lawyer. Winning the scholarships consecutively for six semesters, I became encouraged and more confident. Attending the lecture held by famous professors and scholars, I saw the problems of our legal system as well as the resolutions given by the professionals. Reading a lot, all the way from economy to arts, Iím trying to eliminate the doubts in my mind. I found myself the innate desire to talk into people with what I have learned from the books and I enjoyed it very much. Itís through my awful experience that Iíve shown my passion and courage for ultimate fair and justice. As a result of my fatherís work, I had the chance to meet many attorneys, prosecutors and judges allocated all over the country, from whom I learnt what a qualified lawyer should be like.
Things seem smooth and flowing until graduation is no longer far from me. Here comes the crossroad again. Studying abroad was once my fatherís dream, but he never deserved a chance for the lack of money. Having saved enough money finally, he nonetheless found himself too old to step out of the line. ďStaying here, you will be like everybody; but going out, you can be anybody!Ē thatís what he told me. My father has never spent $40,000 to change his old car to a new one, but he is willing to spend more than $40,000 to support his son to receive the best education in the world. As to me, Iím tired of being confined to the city and the country, looking forward to fresh air, mountain and river. I assure this experience will be of great meaning to both my life and my future career.
Still, I canít say Iím enthusiasm for law; at least, I donít hate it. I see it merely a mean to make a good living. If anyone deserves the rights to pursue for happiness; so do I. I just wish to buy my father a new car; leave my mother away from the housework; build a house for my future wife and kids; support my kids to receive the best education. And most importantly, I just want to live up to my familyís expectation. My wishes are just like that simple.
In addition, by pursuing a master degree of law (LL.M. in general course), I intend to broaden my horizon and deepen my understanding of law; to wipe out the doubts in my heart; to have an extensive cognition of the American laws and to improve my ability of using legal English. After the graduation, I shall come back to my country, managing to pass the bar exam. Iíll try my best to be an honored lawyer just like my father. Also, Iíll try to make the most use of the mixture of my knowledge, putting them into practice as much as possible. For instance, I will take advantage my language skills to help my father expanding the foreign operations of the firm.
It is through deep personal reflection that I will prove that law is the natural extension of my training, personality and talents. In return, I wish my unique experience and background will contribute to the diversity of the class. And I reckon my prospective resources in China will be of great help to the law school and the university.

Re: please give some advice to my PS!
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2009, 05:34:22 AM »
06boya - I sent you a PM.

Re: please give some advice to my PS!
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2009, 11:09:22 AM »
my advice is don't post your personal statement online

Re: please give some advice to my PS!
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2009, 09:15:39 AM »
I just read a the first couple paragraphs, the grammar is a little choppy and you need to check for fluidity. Try reading it out loud and see if there is any choppiness or need more pauses. Also, not really sure I understand stand the whole concept of your ps, but then again i didn't read the whole thing.

On a side note, when i read the first part about you claiming "privacy" at the olympics where a threat of attack can be great, I'm not sure if i felt that sympathetic for you refusing to allow them to search your bag...


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Re: please give some advice to my PS!
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2009, 01:51:21 PM »
I agree with That One.  Also, just saying "Stop!" in your PS is a little awkward.  I also wouldn't use the abbreviation "P.S." in your actual PS. 

Re: please give some advice to my PS!
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2009, 06:58:36 PM »
Start over.