Get a sense of humor, Susan B. Anthony!
I'm going to cut a female dog. With a knife with a brown handle, natch.
Don't judge me. You've not had my life.
Don't apply early decision to either of those schools with your numbers. Even if you have an intensely compelling need to stay in New York and won't consider other regions, you will certainly get into both schools regular decision, and might get some merit aid from either or both.