I want to make a topic thread for Headmachine.
I want to thank Headmachine for his website entry on 5.1.04.
I randomly clicked over to your website and when I read this, I started sobbing at work here at my desk, where I have tried all day to keep my tears inside.
Why? Because the author of this could be him. The recipient could be me. I thought all along there was something wrong with me that I couldn't make this work. I love him so much and yet it just won't work. IT JUST WON'T.
And I am so frustrated and sad and I'm pouring my heart out here on LSD because I can't stop crying and I can't just be OK with everything and I can't just look ahead and be excited for the future and I can't just believe things are for the best and I can't just think that he's a jerk and I am perfect and I can't know deep down that someday someone else will make me laugh just as much and make me cry less and I can't just let go of him in my heart where this hurts the most.
I will never understand the mystery of loving someone. I will never understand why hearing this song that's on right now can drive me to tears. I can never understand how where there is no blood there is such pain. I can never understand how time heals everything and yet the hours are not helping.
I just don't get it. And I'm so f-ing sad I don't know what to do with myself.
So thank you, headmachine, thank you for that because I needed to know that someone else knew what it felt like to be in this situation. I needed someone to articulate it for me. I needed to know that as alone as I feel right now, others have gotten through it and while it is far from what's "for the best", it's not the worst thing. The worst thing today. Tomorrow. Probably next week ... but not forever.
i think one of the hardest things that we ever have to do in a relationship is pull ourselves away from it. its like sometimes we r prisoners in some godforsaken cell enthusiastically seeking poisoned bread and water when theres freedom right outside the door we no longer see. and its fun being trapped because happiness and love is about being acceptance and security in another.
and sometimes this is pulled away and we end up in a f*cked up situation where we cant tell up from down and right from wrong and everything that seemed so precariously sure is a lifetime of feelings away while u sit there drained and dreaming of another world.
i did somethingreallystupid last thursday that has caused me to question what my current relationship is based on and whether or not its right for me or her. and the main thing i asked for is some space and time to deal with myself. i learned a few years ago that i have not yet come to terms with this definition. i have been in serious relationships for the last 6.5 years of my life. i have had something to help me hold on to my optimistism since i was 16 and learning to drive. and although i drive car pretty well now, i continuously allow my relationships to crash and burn because of my uncertainty and my inability to realize what i want and communicate it to not only the other person, but myself.
and i thought i fixed it after my last gf of two years dumped my @$$ two days before the lsat and less than a week before my 22nd bday. i thought i could build something new, somethin more emotionally and idealistically efficient and fell well short of the mark. i have f*cked and f*cked up my relationship again.
its easy to say all u hafta do is love urself before u can love anyone else but can this ever be realistic? will i ever be able to say i am completely completely satisfied with myself? will i ever be able to fully accept the incongruities and compensate for them in all future relationships? can i stop f*ckin $h*t up?
werk on urself girlie. dont use lsd to make u feel better physically because no one will ever doubt ur attractive, but use it as a place where people listen. in the end all we can be to eachother are some electronic ears and some digital voices that say we love u and care for u. use that because in the end listening to some fuzzy praises leaves u happy when its light and crying when its dark again and all ur left with is ur (beautiful) self.
i spent two years trying to make a screwed up relationship something a little more colorful and less tearful and it f*ckin blew up in my face. the relationship was 1.8 years too long and my hope kept it alive and ended up killing so much more of me for the rest of my 60 years. itll get soooooo much better pal. itll be 2 weeks of tears with quick dances in heaven and nine dips into hell . itll be 2 months of thinkin and wishin that bird u let go would come back on ur windowsill if only to sing u to sleep one more night. itll be 6 months of wondering and finding. itll be 1 year of realization and happiness because u will have a better idea of what u truly want and ull be crying with glee that things will never have to be that way for u ever, ever again.
gluck. im just one of those open ears and hearts on lsd. thx for the props love and itll come back to u when some of the pain fades. trust in urself first and u wont ever let anyone fail u again.