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Author Topic: Thanking Head Machine.  (Read 4524 times)

IrishGeisha

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Thanking Head Machine.
« on: June 17, 2004, 08:04:40 PM »
I want to make a topic thread for Headmachine.

I want to thank Headmachine for his website entry on 5.1.04.
(http://www.livejournal.com/users/headmachine/)

I randomly clicked over to your website and when I read this, I started sobbing at work here at my desk, where I have tried all day to keep my tears inside.

Why?  Because the author of this could be him.  The recipient could be me.  I thought all along there was something wrong with me that I couldn't make this work.  I love him so much and yet it just won't work.  IT JUST WON'T.

And I am so frustrated and sad and I'm pouring my heart out here on LSD because I can't stop crying and I can't just be OK with everything and I can't just look ahead and be excited for the future and I can't just believe things are for the best and I can't just think that he's a jerk and I am perfect and I can't know deep down that someday someone else will make me laugh just as much and make me cry less and I can't just let go of him in my heart where this hurts the most.

I will never understand the mystery of loving someone.  I will never understand why hearing this song that's on right now can drive me to tears.  I can never understand how where there is no blood there is such pain.  I can never understand how time heals everything and yet the hours are not helping.

I just don't get it.  And I'm so f-ing sad I don't know what to do with myself.

So thank you, headmachine, thank you for that because I needed to know that someone else knew what it felt like to be in this situation.  I needed someone to articulate it for me.  I needed to know that as alone as I feel right now, others have gotten through it and while it is far from what's "for the best", it's not the worst thing.  The worst thing today.  Tomorrow.  Probably  next week ... but not forever.

"I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself." - Michel Eyquem

Munkeysgrrl

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2004, 08:20:16 PM »
Munkey is back, girlie.  I have been there too, my friend.  As difficult as it is, embrace these feelings.  And when you look back on what you went through you will remember this pain, and vow never to put yourself through something like that again.  You are worth so much more.  BIG HUG to a beautiful girl!!
Loyola LA Here I Come!!

thechoson

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2004, 08:23:07 PM »
Reminds me of my 1st breakup.  Of course, I was 18 at the time.

You know, it's amazing when you are with someone, you get into a certain paradigm where you feel as though its only about them and nothing else, and that it will never be the same with someone else. 

Listen to a Garth Brooks song called "Unanswered Prayers". Corny yes, but it makes some sense.

IrishGeisha

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2004, 08:29:53 PM »
Munkey, You could not have returned at a better time.  Thank you.

I just don't know why it hurts so much.

It hurt so much when we were fighting.  But at least we were together.  Nothing hurts like this.  I feel so empty.

We have emailed all day.  Been very friendly.  Friendlier than when we were together.  That was his problem -- he was always a better friend to his exes than he was to me.  He's made me all these promises today about how he will be a good friend to me and I believe them.  I never believed the promises he made while he was my boyfriend.

And of course, there's the maintenance sex.  I won't see him until after he takes the bar.  I need a break and he needs to study.  But neither of us can imagine giving up the friendship or the sex.  (The sex) At least while we're both single.

I guess this sounds stupid, but I have not NOT had a boyfriend in 6 years.  I'm no good at being on my own. Actually, I wouldn't know, I have never done it.  But I don't feel like I would be good at it.

Man oh man oh man.  I had no idea it would hurt like this.
"I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself." - Michel Eyquem

thechoson

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2004, 08:34:30 PM »
Munkey, You could not have returned at a better time.  Thank you.

I just don't know why it hurts so much.

It hurt so much when we were fighting.  But at least we were together.  Nothing hurts like this.  I feel so empty.

We have emailed all day.  Been very friendly.  Friendlier than when we were together.  That was his problem -- he was always a better friend to his exes than he was to me.  He's made me all these promises today about how he will be a good friend to me and I believe them.  I never believed the promises he made while he was my boyfriend.

And of course, there's the maintenance sex.  I won't see him until after he takes the bar.  I need a break and he needs to study.  But neither of us can imagine giving up the friendship or the sex.  (The sex) At least while we're both single.

I guess this sounds stupid, but I have not NOT had a boyfriend in 6 years.  I'm no good at being on my own. Actually, I wouldn't know, I have never done it.  But I don't feel like I would be good at it.

Man oh man oh man.  I had no idea it would hurt like this.

How about getting back together with him?

IrishGeisha

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2004, 08:45:03 PM »
It's not a good idea.  Not right now.  He has to study for the bar and we are too far apart on what we want from a relationship and what each of us needs.

Realistically, he can't give me what I want.  If I look at the cold hard facts, that's probably just the way it is.  Maybe in time, he could grow to be the person I need him to be and I could grow to be the person I need to be.

We both need time and space and to think about things.  We shall see.  It may not be the end of the road for us romantically, but it is certainly for the time being.
"I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself." - Michel Eyquem

thechoson

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2004, 08:46:03 PM »
It's not a good idea.  Not right now.  He has to study for the bar and we are too far apart on what we want from a relationship and what each of us needs.

Realistically, he can't give me what I want.  If I look at the cold hard facts, that's probably just the way it is.  Maybe in time, he could grow to be the person I need him to be and I could grow to be the person I need to be.

We both need time and space and to think about things.  We shall see.  It may not be the end of the road for us romantically, but it is certainly for the time being.

let's go get a drink, maybe it will make you feel better

IrishGeisha

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2004, 08:53:19 PM »
Hey I'm free this weekend -- let's go out.  Seriously.  Cause you chumped me on food that one day.
"I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself." - Michel Eyquem

thechoson

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2004, 08:58:41 PM »
Hey I'm free this weekend -- let's go out.  Seriously.  Cause you chumped me on food that one day.

Sorry, I graduate tomorrow.  And I am off to SAN DIEGO, baby!  Woo hoo.  Wanna come?

IrishGeisha

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Re: Thanking Head Machine.
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2004, 09:15:02 PM »
Yup.  I do.
"I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself." - Michel Eyquem