Law School Discussion

State of Black Marriages....

_BP_

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Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #20 on: May 29, 2005, 06:24:08 PM »
I'ts not common sense to women. I don't know why you think that because black women date guys like this all the time.


Alright, but it's posted on a internet message board. How many of the sistas who need to be counseled and loved and supported by fellow sistas are on hear reading this? And I'm not saying that there isn't truth to what she's saying. But then, alright HBCU, if sistas were to really stop doing all the things that has been put forth, there's your increase in interracial dating. All I'm saying is that the problem is more complex than "sistas need to step it up". That's insulting to all the sistas out here doing just that.

Don't worry about interracial dating, statistics don't point to any significant increase in interracial marriages...they are mostly just f*cking!  Just how it is.

elegantpearl01

Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #21 on: May 29, 2005, 06:24:22 PM »
I feel you Lady, but I have to co-sign with Reign, I know plenty attorneys who date some undesirable brothers, who are baby mamas, etc. Folks have a "fear" of being alone I suppose.  There are sisters stepping it up, but there are a lot of sisters putting up with ish(I know I've done that). I think brothers who are educated are FAR less like likely to put up with the stuff that sisters put up with...

I know in my sorority we work with young girls, but I think all sisters need to talk about this issue. I think we need to keep a dialogue going on topics such as this, economic and political empowerment in the community.

Since I'm on a Common tip this week (if you don't have the cd Be, cop it)....I thought about the lyrics from Retrospect for Life:

Girl I want you in my life cause you have made it better
Thinkin we all in love cause we can spend a day together
We talkin spendin the rest of our lives
It's too many black women that can say they mothers
but can't say that they wives

I wouldn't chose any other to mother my understanding
But I want our Parenthood to come from Planning
It's so much in my life that's undone
We gotta see eye to eye, about family, before we can become one

If common sense is so common, I wonder why we dont have more black marriages and black families. I've been out of law school for almost 5 years, I can count on one hand the sisters I know that are married.



_BP_

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Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #22 on: May 29, 2005, 06:25:22 PM »
Oh, good to see you stopping back in Lady, I was beginning to wonder..

Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #23 on: May 29, 2005, 06:32:05 PM »
Stepping up the game.. or stepping up to the plate isn’t limited to being successful in career and education..

We need to step up in what we desire and expect out of a man.. if we do that.. that will end our problems.. and we will have stronger black marriages… do you know how many women take the “I’m lonely  so any man will do” role?? I mean really..

A lot of men aren’t stepping up because they have women that are successful that aren’t telling them that they need to… they settle for them…

“well my man loves me and that’s all that matters” .. who are u kidding? You know full well you aren’t happy.. but u don’t tell this to the man you’re involved with… you tell your girls…

And I disagree.. that doesn’t mean that there will be “more interracial dating”… know what you want and don’t settle for less… forget someone to fool around with… I want a husband


Alright, but it's posted on a internet message board. How many of the sistas who need to be counseled and loved and supported by fellow sistas are on hear reading this? And I'm not saying that there isn't truth to what she's saying. But then, alright HBCU, if sistas were to really stop doing all the things that has been put forth, there's your increase in interracial dating. All I'm saying is that the problem is more complex than "sistas need to step it up". That's insulting to all the sistas out here doing just that.

Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #24 on: May 29, 2005, 06:39:56 PM »
pearl good looking out ;)... when did that Common joint drop? i was waiting for it to come out but must have missed the release date :-\

Ladyday

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Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #25 on: May 29, 2005, 06:41:22 PM »
You know I don’t feel disrespected by you ladyday because u aren’t coming from a place of malicious intent…

 :) Of course not, I just had to put that disclaimer out there for people who like to read into things looking for drama. And I haven't been around for a minute, so there's cats who don't realize this is my style of discussion. This thread was kinda stagnant there for a minute.

All I'm trying to get across is that "brothas will follow" isn't as simple and a clear cut solution as it sounds. If that were the case, why aren't brothas following sistas into higher education now?

If we look at the sheer numbers, it seems like ya'll want the majority of black women to be spouseless. It's a vicious cycle. A sista tries to help a brotha out. He'll say that she's throwing her successes in his face. On the flip side, the sista's got family/friends/other outside influences telling her she shouldn't even be with that type of man, she's "too good" for him. I suppose I'm frustrated, and not for myself, I'm straight  ;) but for the first hand encounters I see of women trying to genuinely help to uplift brothas, and that brotha saying he'll deal with a woman who will accept him as is and that woman being not a woman of color.

Black women are scared to death right now. After you take the gay black men, the abusive black men, and the brothas locked up, out of the equation, what's left? Definetely not equal numbers. What do you suppose these women should do in the process. Stay single, lonely, and bitter?

Look, I've always said that sistas need A LOT of healing. And I mean A LOT. But just making statements of-- "you just need to find a more suitable partner" is just scraping the surface. We need to look into WHY are these sistas settling for less. Do you really think that they want too??

And my bad with the common sense statement. Just from past posts, I made the wrong assumption that sistas on this board understood those things.

elegantpearl01

Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #26 on: May 29, 2005, 06:43:50 PM »
pearl good looking out ;)... when did that Common joint drop? i was waiting for it to come out but must have missed the release date :-\

Lady it came out last Tuesday, it's SOOO hot...all cds are 9.99 today & tomorrow at Circuit City.

_BP_

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Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #27 on: May 29, 2005, 06:45:36 PM »
I wonder if the "man shortage" contributes to sistas settling?  My bigger question is if the "man shortgage" contributes to sistas having a psycho streak? Rhetorical questions, but still....

scurred1

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Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #28 on: May 29, 2005, 06:46:01 PM »
Hi. (Oh, I mostly lurk form work so I'm not a regular poster, though I used to be way back when this was just a thread.)

Anyway, Blkreign, I agree with most of your post, except the last part. I think Black women (especially the ones who are educated) ARE demanding respect from Black men -- that is why so many college-educated Black women are single and refusing to settle. I have a lot of friends who get approached and proposed to by all kinds of men every day but their standards are really high -- they'd rather die single than date a guy who drives some ridiculously tricked out car with thumping bass who hasn't even finished high school and has three kids out of wedlock... And, yes, they'd marry a teacher or someone who made less money but who had at least tried to get an education or learned a trade or something. There are some women who are extremely lonely or have low self-esteem and therefore will put up with a lot of BS just to have someone in their lives and that is sad, but I don't think that is the norm -- at least not for highly educated women.

I don't think Black women of today are any weaker or worse than our mothers and grandmothers. Because of what they did, we're more educated, earn more money, are more worldly. However, you cannot ignore the overwhelming achievment gap between Black men and women. When you're raised in a patriarchal culture (or white supremacist patriarchal culture as bell hooks describes it LOL) it's difficult to not internalize the messages you've been fed all your life. Men are supposed to be "smarter", stronger, make more money, provide for and protect us, etc. I'm not saying that these are true or realistic ideals but it's what society has been telling us for the longest time. Now, if a man doesn't fit at least some of those ideals then it's going to take some mental reengineering for some women to still see him as a viable mate. It may be difficult to look up to a man when you, the woman, are paying all the bills, putting food on the table etc., and he's not making an effort to balance things out a bit. Black women (actually all women) have ALWAYS worked hard to keep families together. That certainly didn't stop being true after the Civil Rights movement. I think we've ALWAYS been supportive of Black men. I think what's changing is that Black women are getting frustrated with always being the overachievers, the earners -- and their actions (throwing their high salaries in the man's face) are just reflecting that anger. I'm not even going to get into all the challenges Black men face, but we're women, we still want to think that the man's going to get it together and come rescue us at some point. (Again unrealistic but true for some women.)

Blkreign, when you say women need to step up to the plate, I'm really wondering what else we can do. I mean, for all the millions of black families being led by single black mothers (who knows where the fathers are), to all the single black women on college campuses, in law school, in the office, in politics, in business etc. From Harriet and Sojourner to Condi (yes, her) and Oprah. Geez, how much more can we step up to the plate? Sistas are tired already!!!!

Ladyday

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Re: State of Black Marriages....
« Reply #29 on: May 29, 2005, 06:50:58 PM »
I feel you Lady, but I have to co-sign with Reign, I know plenty attorneys who date some undesirable brothers, who are baby mamas, etc. Folks have a "fear" of being alone I suppose.  There are sisters stepping it up, but there are a lot of sisters putting up with ish(I know I've done that). I think brothers who are educated are FAR less like likely to put up with the stuff that sisters put up with...

I know in my sorority we work with young girls, but I think all sisters need to talk about this issue. I think we need to keep a dialogue going on topics such as this, economic and political empowerment in the community.

Since I'm on a Common tip this week (if you don't have the cd Be, cop it)....I thought about the lyrics from Retrospect for Life:

Girl I want you in my life cause you have made it better
Thinkin we all in love cause we can spend a day together
We talkin spendin the rest of our lives
It's too many black women that can say they mothers
but can't say that they wives

I wouldn't chose any other to mother my understanding
But I want our Parenthood to come from Planning
It's so much in my life that's undone
We gotta see eye to eye, about family, before we can become one

If common sense is so common, I wonder why we dont have more black marriages and black families. I've been out of law school for almost 5 years, I can count on one hand the sisters I know that are married.


I love common, really I do, so please don't take my comment out of context,  (And his CD is tight as hell). But he was the wrong brotha to quote to me right now. I've had this fool in my apartment personally, and he's a "undesirable brotha" basically a brotha who talks a lot of this "black women are queens" ish, but he ain't no better than "Tyrone" when it comes to relationships with black women. Well, with the exception of Erykah.