The Internet and the word "gay" apparently go together like PB and J. I actually had my own experience with the Internet and the word gay...
Starting at the beginning...
Last month I made a stupid Internet video in which I sprung playing cards at my webcam for forty-four seconds. MySpace "featured" the video, and I got 100,000 hits in one day. But that's all I got; I didn't get any money, I didn't get a movie deal, I didn't get laid, and now my fifteen minutes of Internet fame are over.
"Card Spring" took five hours to make: I cleared my afternoon schedule, bought two decks of Bicycle cards, moved my apartment furniture around, and picked out a nice shirt and tie. I hit "Record" and then simultaneously sprung both decks at my MacBook's iSight camera. Then I got down on my hands and knees and picked up the playing cards, one-by-one, from my apartment's dirty hardwood floor. I repeated the process 37 times. It was the longest game of 1,976 Pickup I had ever played.
Editing the video, I hoped the digital community would embrace me as a legitimate Internet video superstar like the skateboarding dog, the guy who juggles in that giant plastic cone, or the guy who took a picture of himself every day for six years. I feared they'd reject as an online mockery like the Star Wars Kid or the cop who shot himself in the leg.
On August 8th, 2007, the day MySpace featured my video, the digital public spoke—well, technically, they wrote; "Card Spring" received over 1600 comments before the day was through. Looking forward to seeing my brilliance and creativity acknowledged in print, I read every single one of them. MySpace users described my video as "awesome," "stupid," "neato," "freaky," "lame," and "creepy." But mostly they described it as "gay."
15-year-old Alan from B-t*wn, Virginia called my video "pretty gay," 17-year-old QuEsO from Mesa, Arizona called it "f-ing gay," 18-year-old WOW from shh, Texas called it "really gay!!!!," 17-year old M.O.B. from Hazlet, New Jersey said that my video "could possibly be the gayest *&^% [he's] ever seen," and 15-year-old I NEED A GIRL from YAY AREA, California confirmed that my video was "the gayest *&^% ever."
15-year-old If Love Exists Then Where Is It? from DAYTON, Ohio called my video "gayer than the power rangers," and 24-year-old One PHAT Deigo from DES PLAINES, Illinois said that it was "about as gay as bob sagat." 17-year-old Jake from Wisconsin informed me that my video was "officially gay," but, sadly, he declined to say which homosexual organization designated it such, so until I do some further investigation, I'll have to find something else to go on my resume.
MySpace users didn't just comment on my video and its sexuality, they also commented on me. 31-year-old J from PSL, Florida called me a "waste of sperm," 25-year-old Doc from Tulsa, Oklahoma called me a "piece of f-ing *&^% ass hole," 39-year-old Magic-Man from GOOSE CREEK, South Carolina called me a "moroon," 15-year-old THE CHOSEN 1 from Tokyo called me "a freakin jew bag," 14-year-old TOGA TOGA!! from ALSIP, Illinois called me a "perverted gay freak," and 15-year-old YNOHTNA NEEDS NILDDIR from Tiro, Ohio called me an "AIDS sucking cum sponge."
And then there was the mean stuff. 28-year-old male private part from Plano, Texas wrote, "I'm sure this dumbass thought he was being real cleaver and funny with this. Just so you know, jackass, this sucked and you are an idiot that sucks." 16-year-old Eric Bro from BROWNSVILLE, Texas mused, "AM I GONNA HAVE CHOKE THIS DUDE GAY FAG QUEER?" 16-year-old Tony from Stafford, Virginia hypothesized, "It would be funnier if he had AIDS." 16-year-old >G< from Your Mom's Bed, New York declared, "your a f-in homo who lives with his mother and is probably a virgin a-hole gay video you should kill ur self. if anyone thinks this video cool message me i'll straighten ur ass out assholes." And 14-year-old Zeliox SIC from Grand Island, Nebraska wrote, "you just wasted about 3 mins of my life...I coulda used that three mins to shove my foot up your ass, shoot you, and laugh at your dead body...faggot."
3 mins? Did Zeliox watch my video four times? Regardless, I'm sure he'd be delighted to learn that MySpace powers-that-be "un-featured" Card Spring on August 9th, the day after they put it up. Maybe they read all my comments as I did, or, more likely, maybe they caught wind of my video's 42% approval rating.
On August 10th, the number 42 really got to me, as did my insecurities. I began to wonder if I could have made the video better, if my video would have been better if I had AIDS, if I did to be choked, and if my video was homosexual.
There was only one way to find out.
I wrote male private part, the guy who called me a dumbass, a jackass, and an idiot, to ask how I could have made my video less idiotic. "If you could make it seem like you lose a finger or two due to those cards," male private part suggested, "that would be a little unexpected. Anyway take care and I hope I didn't offend, didn't realize anyone actually read those comments."
Next I wrote Tony, the guy who said "Card Spring" would have been funnier if I had AIDS, to ask how, exactly, the tragic disease would have added humor to the video. Tony replied, "I just post that on every video I watch. It's an old inside joke."
I wrote Tony back and asked him to tell me the joke. He said, "It's a long story. But all you have to know is me and my friend made a joke that involved AIDS and videos, so we post that on videos now."
I wrote Tony back again, explaining that I had a particular fondness for jokes that combine videos and AIDS and begging him to share it with me. He refused again. I'm starting to suspect there's no joke at all…
Next I wrote Eric Bro, the guy who wasn't sure whether or not he was to have to choke "THIS DUDE GAY FAG QUEER" (a.k.a., me) to see whether he had reached a verdict. He had: "naw men im not gonna choke u."
I wrote Eric Bro back to express my relief and ask how he'd come to his decision. He said, "i was yust bored and i comment it."
Well that's a load off.
Lastly, I wrote M.O.B., the guy who said that my video "could possibly be the gayest *&^% [he's] ever seen." I had to find out, once and for all, whether or not my video was gay.
It wasn't! My video was totally hetero! M.O.B. said, "nah i don see any gay *&^% there and nah maybe it wasn the gayest *&^% ive ever seen....watched it again and it actually was pretty funny how ur face was serious the whole time kinda made me laugh."
A few hours later, M.O.B. wrote me a second time and said, "i looked at your myspace page and now that i have an idea of what you do im actually kinda embarassed....once again im sorry."
I'm sorry too, M.O.B.. I'm sorry I couldn't be the next skateboarding dog. I'm sorry I couldn't be the next cone juggler or obsessive photographer. Mostly I'm sorry that so many MySpace users are such vocabulary deficient gay dumbass idiot moroons who couldn't recognize the next Internet superstar if he hit him in the face with a playing card…which gives me an idea for my next video…