Law School Discussion

Nine Years of Discussion
;

Author Topic: What's The Difference  (Read 7141 times)

mortadel

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #20 on: June 09, 2006, 06:52:10 PM »
A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

freehostin

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #21 on: June 10, 2006, 06:34:04 AM »
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

supposedly-a-tier-issue

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #22 on: June 12, 2006, 06:43:35 PM »
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? ...
... They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
 
How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

halleberry

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #23 on: June 14, 2006, 03:01:48 PM »
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

hookslaw

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #24 on: June 15, 2006, 09:14:16 PM »
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an a s s h o l e."

electra

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 6
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #25 on: June 18, 2006, 08:22:11 PM »
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

oldfield

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #26 on: June 20, 2006, 06:26:46 AM »
LONDON (June 17, 2005) - An e-mail between a highly paid lawyer and a secretary over a tomato ketchup stain became the talk of legal circles in London, leaving the sender distinctly red-faced. British media reported with glee the tale of Richard Phillips, who e-mailed the secretary to ask her to pay a four-pound ($7.30) dry-cleaning bill after she accidentally spilled tomato ketchup on his trousers.

"Dear Jenny, I went to the dry-cleaners at lunch and they said it would cost four pounds to remove the ketchup stains. If you could let me have the cash today that would be much appreciated."
-- Lawyer Richard Phillips

"With reference to the email, I must apologize for not getting back to you straight away but due to my mother's sudden illness, death and funeral I have had more pressing issues than your four pounds. Obviously your financial need as a senior associate is greater than mine as a mere secretary."
-- Secretary Jenny Amner

The secretary, who had just returned to work after her mother died, was so irate she forwarded the e-mail to several colleagues at the firm of Baker & McKenzie, who in turn passed it on to others. The e-mails quickly appeared on the Internet and in the press.

Colleagues had offered to hold a collection to cover the bill but Amner paid it herself.

erabbit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #27 on: June 21, 2006, 09:39:09 AM »
A beautiful young woman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a lawyer already inside who greeted her by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

She smiled at him and replied, "@-#-$-%" (letters only)."

He looked at her, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

She acknowledged his remark again by answering, "@-#-$-%."

The lawyer was trying to be friendly, so he smiled his biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The woman smiled back to him and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "@-#-$-%."

The lawyer finally decided to explain things, and this time he said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The woman answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

embezz

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #28 on: June 21, 2006, 08:31:40 PM »
A lawyer went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your a-hole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the lawyer. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

da!

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 6
    • View Profile
Re: What's The Difference
« Reply #29 on: June 25, 2006, 04:38:27 PM »
- Psychiatrist Frasier Crane: I hate lawyers.

- Psychiatrist Niles Crane: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.
H ... is for Hardcore.