To BigTex

[BigTex]

When you gave your personal example, you stopped talking in abstracts and invited the criticism.  I like a good debate, and you gave me a good one, Tex.  I hope you don't harbor any ill will, because I don't.

Nah - for whatever reason i never got hot under the collar w/ your posts. I disagreed w/ you and said so, but i got the feeling that you weren't specifically making accusations about me as a husband, but about how husbands in general should behave. As such, it was all friendly.

But, with the America fellow, somewhere along the way a line was crossed. It ceased to be a civil discussion about "husbands and wives" in the abstract and became an indictment of me specifically as a husband and father. That's when the gloves came off.

Also, i'd like to point out, I did not start this thread soliciting opinions from others about my personal worth as a husband. It began as a personal accusation against me and i've just been here defending myself.

[BigTex]

fair enough. i read a certain condescending "you don't know this yet, but you will" tone to which i was objecting,

That's a fair criticism of me. I do tend to get that way at times and i don't mind being hockey-checked for it. thanks.

since i don't think it's reconcilable with the "every relationship is different-- to each his own" sentiment expressed here.

I'll fight tooth and nail in the abstract about what i think a successful relationship is based on. I have definite opinions on that.  In the "relationship theory" room I'm pretty adamant about what should and shouldn't occur.

But once we've ceased talking about theory and are specifically talking about a specific couple's relationship, that's where decorum demands that i shut up.

[twarga]

I was in a short-lived, bad marriage and a 12-year good one, so I kind of feel like I've been there, done that.  The first husband said what he thought, without the luxury of the little switch in your brain that says, "Shut up, man."  His words still ring in my ears, even though it was years ago and he didn't say any of it in anger or with malice, just "stating a fact."  Hubby #2 (Super-hubby) has been with me through childbirth, surgery, the death of my mom, undergrad, military crap, etc., all of which wears on a person physically as well as mentally.  Not one word about my body.  Not one word.  To this day, if I pass by him in my underwear on the way to my closet, I'm getting pulled down onto the bed- whether I'm 120 lbs. or 145.  It just doesn't matter.  It's like he still sees me as the cute 23 year old I was when we met.  In fact, I think if I wasn't in the military and pretty fitness-minded, I'd be 200 lbs. and we'd both be fat and happy.

Just do me a favor... be a super-hubby and never mention her body, even kiddingly, in a negative way again.  And about the ugly part... we won't even go there.

I think we all jumped on your *ss about the whole thing because you wouldn't even admit that your words could have hurt her without realizing it.  Women (ALL WOMEN-and we could start a poll thread if you'd like) are very self-conscious when it comes to body image.  Why do you think make-up and control-top pantyhose sell so well?  

[WoeIsMe]

BigTex, there is obvioiusly a disconnect..  You've expanded the scope beyond the acceptability of "You're fat" to the arguemnt of differences in relationships.

Everyone acknowledges relationships are different .  What most of hte married people on here are claiming is they are not arbitrary.  Statements like "You're Fat" fit into the inflexible/unacceptable range.

[WoeIsMe]

Oh, i should add... I didn't see anything wrong with your original post with Ruskie 

[twarga]

Oh, i should add... I didn't see anything wrong with your original post with Ruskie 

Me neither... d*mn that Draino for getting all this started!   

[BigTex]

twarga, if you got the following tone from my posts I'm very sorry:

"Hey twarga. Joking about being fat and ugly works in my marriage so obviously you were overly sensitive about being insulted by it in your first marriage. It's you who are wrong for being insulted. It was fine for your husband to make fun of your looks."

If you felt insulted by it, then it was wrong for him to say it to you. Period. And he was a jack-ass for not caring enough about you to communicate with you and find out whether or not his words were hurtful to you.

[twarga]

You DO tell her she looks hot when she dresses up for you though, right?  Please say yes.

[BigTex]

You DO tell her she looks hot when she dresses up for you though, right?  Please say yes.

hehe ... maybe this is where you can nag on her a bit. She never dresses up "for me". When we go out for a nice, fancy dinner she gets all dressed up but she makes sure to inform me - "Oh, don't get too excited fancy pants. This isn't for you - i just want to look good in the restaurant!".

Of course, i know she's kidding me. But then again, maybe she has severe psychological problems for teasing me so.

But yes, when we go out and she's dressed to the nines, i do tell her how nice she looks.

[twarga]

Poor Tex.  I always fancy up for my hubby.  I'll say, "Under this, I'm wearing the red stringy thing," or "I'm going to wear the blue thingy to bed later."  He knows all my lingerie by these little code names.  In fact, he just said last night that when I get home (2-week tour  ), he wants me to wear the little black thingy.  Whoo hoo!