Law School Discussion

Sentence check -- please take a quick look:

ljl

Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« on: January 15, 2005, 02:21:23 PM »
"A recent British study indicated that the daily commute outranks being a riot policeman or combat pilot on the list of activities guaranteed to make your blood pressure rise largely due to the fact that commuting is something over which you have little control."

Does this sentence make sense, and if not do you have suggestions to make it more clear?  This is the second sentence of my nearly finished personal statement, and I'm hoping to mail off today...yay!

Comments are much appreciated.

Re: Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2005, 02:52:06 PM »
I can't imagine how this sentence could possibly fit into a personal statement. But, yeah; it makes sense. Perhaps replace the dash with a comma, though.

dme

Re: Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2005, 03:10:13 PM »
Your point is relatively clear however the sentence doesn't quite connect because you are comparing something people DO to something people ARE.  Also probably best to just break this into two sentences.

In my eyes a small change fixes this:

"A recent British study indicated that the daily commute outranks THE DUTIES OF a riot policeman or combat pilot on the list of activities guaranteed to make your blood pressure rise. This is largely due to the fact that commuting is something over which you have little control."

Maybe not yet perfect but a little better. 

Might not be a bad idea to get a little more specific in your reference.  "A recent British study" sounds almost as flimsy as "A recent study."   Might sound better if you said "A recent study by the British Bangers and Mash Association (or whoever did it) ......"

Take it or leave it.  Good luck.

ori

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Re: Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2005, 11:35:33 AM »
If that sentence was at the beginning of a paragraph, it might be better if you broke it up into two.  If not, and it does not detract from the flow of the paragraph, it would be fine with the aforementioned edits.

twarga

Re: Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2005, 11:42:17 AM »
"A recent British study indicated that the daily commute outranks being a riot policeman or combat pilot on the list of activities guaranteed to make your blood pressure rise largely due to the fact that commuting is something over which you have little control."

According to a recent British study, the daily commute is more likely to make your blood pressure rise than performing the duties of a riot policeman or a combat pilot.  This is largely do to the fact that the daily commute is something over which you have very little control.

I was born to EDIT!!!   ;)

twarga

Re: Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2005, 11:43:41 AM »
.. or maybe not, since I screwed up my last post. 

How about... BORN TO SHOP!  Now that I can do!

twarga

Re: Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2005, 11:44:52 AM »
This is largely DUE to the fact, not DO to the fact...

140am

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Re: Sentence check -- please take a quick look:
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2005, 08:42:35 PM »
Satisfy my curiosity -- how does this essay all tie together?