HELP! Thank you note...

[annchris]

Would you guys make any changes to this email- or send as-is??  Any comments would be appreciated!  I want this to be perfect - UF is my first choice!

Dear Mr. Patrick:

Although UF was already my first choice for law school, meeting with your impressive Student Recruitment Team representative for a tour last Tuesday has reinforced my decision.  The tour guide, though only a first year law student, managed to answer all of my seemingly endless questions with ease.  I especially appreciate the way in which he approached our meeting - by finding out what types of law I was interested in practicing and revealing the programs and course offerings available to students at UF with my similar goals.  He even went out of his way at the conclusion of the tour to make sure I left with some recent literature relating to your Family Law program. 

Being a non-traditional student, I was also somewhat apprehensive about possibly attending UF. However, my tour guide addressed these personal concerns, and even assured me that his section contained a significant number of women with children and/or previous careers.  He helped to make your law school seem even more friendly and inviting to me and for that I am truly thankful. 

Please extend my kindest regards to your SRT representative and admissions staff.

Sincerely,


________

 [would it be a good/bad thing to add in here somewhere that UF is my 1st choice?  I am applying for spring so I know they haven't even looked at my app yet.  Should I save that just in case I get waitlisted or go ahead and tell them now?]

Thanks in advance guys n gals!  

Christine

[zpops]

I would change, "However, your SRT representative addressed these personal concerns and even told me that there was a significant number of women in his section who have had children and/or previous careers."

to

However, your SRT representative addressed these personal concerns, and even told me that his section contained a significant number of women with children and/or previous careers.

If you want to maintain the original sentence structure, then I think "was" should become "were", because it is refering to the plural object "women".

Other than that, this seems like a very nice letter.  It's a shame you don't remember the tour guides name though, since I'm not sure that you want to admit a degree of "weakness" by showing that you don't recall his name.  Perhaps you should just exclude that clause about the name.

[thechoson]

I second what Zpops said about the name.  Just don't mention it at all

[annchris]

Duly noted!  I edited my post to incorporate those changes and one other I found. I think it reads fairly well now, thank you!

[schoomp]

You might want to add a line at the end along the lines of:

Please extend my kindest regards to your SRT representative and admissions staff.  I hope that I can do the same next fall.

Depends on how you feel about the matter though...

[annchris]

I'd like to include something about UF being my top choice but I don't want it to sound too desperate I guess. Hmmmmmmm....

[schoomp]

I would.  Maybe something along the lines of:

Instead of : I just wanted to write you a short note to let you know how impressed I was with your Student Recruitment Team representative who gave me a tour of your campus last Tuesday, April 13th at 1:00 pm.

Start off with:

Although I was fairly certain the UF was my first choice, after meeting with your Student Recruitment Team representative for a tour last Tuesday, I was certain of it.

[annchris]

I would.  Maybe something along the lines of:

Instead of : I just wanted to write you a short note to let you know how impressed I was with your Student Recruitment Team representative who gave me a tour of your campus last Tuesday, April 13th at 1:00 pm.

Start off with:

Although I was fairly certain the UF was my first choice, after meeting with your Student Recruitment Team representative for a tour last Tuesday, I was certain of it.

That sounds really good but should I end that with "I "am" certain of it" instead of "I "was" certain of it"?  I still "am" certain of it, right?

[annchris]

Edited again 

[zpops]

This is a change that's needed becuase of some changes we've already suggested.  The first time you say "he" should be changed to "The tour guide"