on: August 16, 2004, 04:06:00 AM
Whatís up fuckers,
I know its been awhile since I last rapped at ya, but things have been pretty crazy in DOWNY land lately. Ya see, it all started last Monday. Things were going pretty good- the beer was flowing, I had some KFC and the tree was crystalline. Plus, I just rented this game Manhunt, where the entire premise is to kill people with crowbars and sh*t. Basically it was going to be a DOWNY day for the record books.
Well, things got a little dicey when my friend Jeff came over. Jeffís a good guy and all, itís just that heís sort of a #@!*-up. He just got canned from his job as a dish washer at Dennyís for throwing a cigarette butt into the spaghetti pot. And he was pissed, which is probably why he brought over such a fat sack of shrooms.
Now, a good dose of shrooms is nothing to mess with. Nope, you gotta space that sh*t out and wait for the right moment. So, naturally, we drank a lot of beer and smoked some fat bowls out of the skull bong. Bongs that look like skulls rule, and if you disagree you are a female private part and DOWNY hates you. female dog.
So after that we arrive at a critical crossroads- should we sit at home and eat the shrooms, or should we eat them in the car as we proceed to drive around suburbia with the surplus of fireworks we purchased last week in Indiana?
Well, erring on the side of caution, we decide to eat the shrooms BEFORE we drive, so as to minimize any problems regarding hand-eye coordination that might arise from popping the caps while trying to steer. The trip started nice and light, sort of like your first threshold beer- you know, the first beer in a night of drinking that makes you catch a buzz. Soon, the trip deviated into what DOWNY likes to call ďf-ing sweet.Ē At this point the walls are rippling like puddles and every light source will follow your gaze with the tell-tale streamers of a good trip.
Realizing time was of the essence, we quickly surveyed our inventory. We had 4 bricks of Black Cat 16 cracker chains, 15 Assault Choppers (these things are ridiculous- but more on them in a moment) 25 Roman Candles and 10 mortar shells (the big ones that shoot up from the tubes). And, of course, one Hellís Inferno. A Hellís Inferno is basically the DOWNY of fireworks, meaning itís the sh*t and it makes all the other fireworks look like its female dog. Yep, the Hellís Inferno is a 20 round mortar cannon thatís about 4 feet tall and costs $70. We were ready.
After a brief stop at KFC we engaged in our first act of DOWNYism. The shrooms having set in, we began getting pretty pissed that Burger King was muscling in on KFCís turf. Who do those motherfuckers think they are anyway? Make it my way? How about you just go #@!* yourself and weíll call it even? So we get out of the car. Staggering inside, we unleash the first of the Black Cat chains, tossing it into the dining area, which had two old people and a family with some dumbass little kid. If you donít know how I feel about dumbass little kids then you arenít up to date with your reading.
The chain hit a table and blew up, the little kid started crying and the old people looked like they were going to have heart attacks. The Burger King fucker at the counter grabbed a phone so we hit the road.
Next it was onto some roadside mayhem. We drove around a little bit and tossed an Assault Chopper out the window in some suburb. This female dog flew 30 feet in the air and exploded with a thunderous boom, like some meanie just fired off a shotgun. The brick houses made the echo even greater as it ricocheted throughout the subdivision. We repeated this exercise 5 or 6 times, for good measure. Sadly, nothing really cool happened except that some dogs started barking and some lady came to her window with a phone.
Sensing that the Burger King incident and the subdivision fun might catch up to us, we decided to lay low. We went to my old high school and sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes. When youíre screwed up on mushrooms 15 minutes seems like a long time. Think eternity. Soon we had to get back to work. Still wanting to be careful, we retreated to DOWNYís garage for a strategy session.
The Hellís Inferno was calling to us. It had a picture of a stoned-looking devil on it who wanted to come out. So we decided to deploy the great beast. However, keep in mind that to merely light a fuse on a firework is not the right way to use it. Fireworks require experimentation and modification, just like guns and blowup dolls. So we set to work.
The first step is to get inside the tube. Easy enough, just cut the top off. Now, how do we make these 20 mortar shots do cool sh*t? Well, thatís easy too- soak them in gasoline. Then put all sorts of cleaning and wood staining chemicals in DOWNYís basement on top. Then put the remaining 8 Assault Choppers in. Finally, cut open the 25 Roman Candles and pour their contents into the mix. Finally, drive to local high school.
Tripping our balls off, we get out of the car. The old high school was dark and quiet, the perfect place for our creation. Walking into the middle of the football field, we set the monstrosity down, lit the fuse and ran like blind hookers.
From 50 feet away we saw the fucker start to do its thing. Problem was, when we cut off the tube we evidently destroyed the guidance piece for the shots. Instead of shooting 100 feet into the air like they are intended, the shells only made it about 8 feet. Plus, the gasoline and firework pile on top of the shells started a huge fire that included random explosions and sh*t flying off everywhere. As the 20 mortar rounds exploded we knew we were in trouble. The diameter of each explosion was about 10 feet across, given that they were supposed to happen 100 feet up. Plus, the raging fire was beginning to sweep across the field. Not to mention the random gunpowder and Assault Choppers, which exploded loudly enough to wake dogs in other counties.
As the last of the explosions erupted and the wildfire spread, we realized we had messed up. This was serious, even for DOWNY. Yep, we had forgotten the rest of the shrooms at my house, and our trips were starting to fade. Thinking clearly, we raced back to my house, the wail of fire engines serenading our departure. After another shroom dose and 2 Jaeger bombs we drove back to the school.
The fire trucks were already there, spraying water over the now dissipating fire. Two fire trucks and 5 police cars responded to the call, but we didnít stop to chat. We were just happy nothing bad happened, aside from half of the football field burning up. All in all, DOWNY learned a valuable lesson from this experience: if youíre ever going to play with fireworks, NEVER, EVER leave your shrooms at home.