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Author Topic: Writing Help  (Read 2471 times)

arc87

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Writing Help
« on: October 21, 2004, 11:56:09 AM »
This is an addendum discussing why I received bad grades while first attending college.  If there are any good writers out there could you lend me some advice if you see any flaws.  It would really be helpful.

Thanks
Arc87

I had three horrible semesters which resulted in six Fs on my transcript in the early nineties.  While attending the University of Texas in 1993 my wife and I gave birth to Dustin, who was terminally ill.  The University granted me two incompletes for the semester, and I was not able to finish the coursework.  A year later I attended Southwest Texas with the hopes of continuing my education.  Unfortunately, I could not dedicate the time to college because I had to pay forty-five thousand dollars for Dustinís medical bills.

In the fall of 2002, I was financially able to return to school. I completed an Academic Freshstart whereby all of my previous grades were wiped off my record (Freshstart is a law in Texas that allows students to remove grades from their records).  Within five semesters I completed 120 consecutive hours with straight As.  This included a 36-hour summer semester and a 33-hour fall semester.   Despite this course load I continued working full-time.  My upper division GPA is a 4.0 and I have raised my cumulative GPA to a 3.2.   

If you can look past my course work from a decade ago and consider the fact that I have not received a B since returning to school.  I believe this is an accurate reflection of the type of student that I am.
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trogdor

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2004, 12:04:22 PM »
you  need a comma after 1993.  "my wife and i" makes it sound like you also physically had the baby.  maybe change not able to unable (smoother).  need a comma after a year later.  need a comma after within five semesters.  need a comma after despite this course load.  need a comma after 4.0.  the 2nd to last sentence is a fragment.  instead of "if you can" maybe do "I hope you will consider"

by the way, that's a bad situation.  sorry to hear.  good luck once again.  i'm rootin for ya. 
"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." Orwell

arc87

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2004, 12:12:16 PM »
Yes rando I made all of the changes you suggested.  Its funny how you point out those mistakes so easily.  They were hidden away from me.  Also the other paragraph you helped me with turned out strong.  You really helped me to make a strong conclusion in the last sentence.  I appreciate it.

The last two sentences are killing me.  Here is my idea but not sure how to do it

I want to make it clear that
bad grades are from a decade back.
New grades are all As
Strong LSAT score

(I like my last sentence but maybe it should be changed).
Maybe something like this?

If you can look past my course work from a decade ago and consider my LSAT score of a 167.  I believe this is an accurate reflection of the type of student that I am.




 
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arc87

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2004, 12:14:38 PM »
Rando - hey maybe this should be on sentence.


If you can look past my course work from a decade ago and consider my LSAT score of a 167, I believe this is an accurate reflection of the type of student that I am.
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trogdor

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2004, 12:15:17 PM »
i think you've got a good argument, and with a 167 on your lsat, i can't imagine you having that big of a problem.  3.2 cum isn't too bad.  where all are you applying?
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trogdor

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2004, 12:16:45 PM »
that solves part of the problem, but i think including "can" is a bad option.  you want to be convincing them that they SHOULD. 
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arc87

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2004, 12:21:47 PM »
So Rando how would you construct the last sentence?

Im applying

Safe-
loyola
pepperdine
University of Houston

Hope to
USC
UCLA
UT

Longshots
Michigan

UCLA - states they would not look at any grades from a decade back so maybe I can sneak in there.
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arc87

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2004, 12:24:21 PM »
Is it too strong to say

I think you should look past my course work frmo a decade ago and consider my LSAT score of a 167, I believe this is an accurate reflection of the student that I am.

Im still shaky with the sentence do you think it's OK?
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trogdor

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2004, 12:27:26 PM »
i would say something to the extent of:

i believe the grades from my recent coursework and my lsat score are a better reflection of my capabilities to succeed in law school than grades i received more than a decade ago.  

i don't really think you need to say something like look past them.  i think that your recommendation to do that is implied by your addendum.  if you think this is really important, maybe include something like...

because of this, i hope you will give them more weight in your consideration of my application.  
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arc87

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Re: Writing Help
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2004, 12:33:30 PM »
Rando,

sentence looks really good Im going with it, thanks again.  Here is the revised essay.  Tell me if you see anything screwy on it. 




I had three horrible semesters which resulted in six Fs on my transcript in the early nineties.  While attending the University of Texas in 1993, my wife gave birth to Dustin, who was terminally ill.  The University granted me two incompletes for the semester, and I was unable to finish the coursework.  A year later, I attended Southwest Texas with the hopes of continuing my education.  Unfortunately, I could not dedicate the time to college because I had to pay forty-five thousand dollars for Dustinís medical bills.

In the fall of 2002, I was financially able to return to school. I completed an Academic Freshstart whereby all of my previous grades were wiped off my record (Freshstart is a law in Texas that allows students to remove grades from their records).  Within five semesters I completed 120 consecutive hours with straight As.  This included a 36-hour summer semester and a 33-hour fall semester.   Despite this course load I continued working full-time.  My upper division GPA is a 4.0, and I have raised my cumulative GPA to a 3.2.   

I believe the grades from my recent coursework and my LSAT score are a better reflection of my capabilities to succeed in law school than grades I received more than a decade ago.
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www.scenariosolver.com