« on: August 19, 2004, 10:20:29 PM »
I had a job at a meat packing plant. Inspecting hogs. S'right. I was in the Lips n' Assholes division. They'd trot in these pitiful specimens, and it was for yours truly to determine whether they were ripe for the dirty knife. You shoulda SEEN the sorry sonsabitches they let through the gate. My trainer let me have my way at it for the first 5 minutes of the job, til I got the hand of it.
The first one I saw that looked suspect had a big green softball-sized adenoma coming out of his a-hole. It was leaking syrupy white fluid. Looked like a goddamned herpes-ridden orangutan in heat.
"That one. He's outa there, clearly."
"No, he goes on through."
I turned to the trainer and just looked at the muthafucka. He wasn't joking. He let the miserable fucker limp on through through the gate. Shaking my head, I turned back to the task.
"There. Right f-in' there. Get his ass outa there..."
"No sir. That one'll pass, too."
"That one? That one right there?" I pointed to a large beast that had what looked like a child's foot growing out of his back. You coulda put a sweatsock on it. It flapped limply at the "ankle" as the hog bumped among his muddied brethren...
"Hell no. You gotta be f-ing kidding me, right?"
"Son I ain't kiddin' ya. And you'll do to watch your mouth when yer workin' my shift. You sound like one of these hogs, here..."
It went on. About half of those poor bastards graduated to the Side division; they'd punch their skulls and cut em down for rib meat, roast, brisket, chitterlings, graded sausage, feet, what have you. I got the rest. Mine got totally ground down into a gloppy pink paste that got spat from a surgical steel udder at around 2000 pounds a minute. Like a friggin' fire hose, I swear ta christ. You could knock a man down if you turned the blast on 'im, you think I'm shittin? You don't want that job, little lady. Trust me. That's a man's job, that is. I'm a man. I got man hands. But @#!* that, if I had to do it again I'd take the welfare check, or else box kangaroos at the circus, something. Fuckit.