« on: December 14, 2010, 12:20:32 PM »
I would work on using more active verbs and watch the meandering sentences. For example, your first sentence could use some restructuring (especially as that is the first thing a reader sees.) You talk about the Jewish holiday, and how you are "finally ready" etc. but we don't know what the point of this information is.
Also, I'd cut "I was a good child to them" as this slows down the pace and seems a bit redundant considering your follow-up sentences which illustrate your statement of "I was hardly a rebel." and how you made your parents proud.
"They could not fathom a life outside of Judaism; existence was dark and lonely without it. " Instead, something like, "To my parents, an existence without their faith, without Judaism, was dark, lonely, and utterly unfathomable."
I'd be happy to go through this line by line, but it's hard to do on the board. PM me and I'll send you my email for a word file.