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Personal Statement / what do you think of my PS so far? need advice before proceeding
« on: October 10, 2009, 08:25:12 PM »
Alright I sat down last night and churned out the opening paragraphs of what could ultimately become my PS. I'm going to copy and paste what I have so far and then summarize the rest of the PS because I might need to tweak the format or change topics completely. I'd love to get some honest yet constructive feedback.
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It was 9:30 pm in a small classroom at the University of X. Octafinal rounds of the prestigious X debate tournament had just concluded and the 3-2 decision rendered by the judges could have come as no greater a surprise. During the five hour drive to X in the cramped, deteriorating school van, I never would have dreamt that I would outlast more than one hundred competitors from every corner of the United States to speak in the quarterfinal round.
As I packed up my research and fervently prepared my case for the next round, my debate partner and long-time friend John burst into the room and nervously extended a piece of paper to me (I'm going to reword this)). I immediately recognized the look of trepidation on his face and as I looked down at the tournament schematic, my worst fears were confirmed: we were set to face the top policy debate team in the nation in the tournament’s quarterfinal round.
The level of anxiety I felt reached a new height upon entering the large auditorium that would host our next round. The 200 seat room was filled to capacity with ousted competitors, coaches, and curious onlookers. As I approached the podium to give preliminary arguments, the egg-shell timer in my hand shook timidly and I realized just how far I had come in my short life.
Next paragraph: Explain that I was shy and reserved as a kid. I had poor communication skills. I began looking up to people who could change mindsets and influence action through discourse.
Next paragraph: I won the debate round. I realized that something which was once my greatest weakness has become my greatest skill (discourse). My role models have helped shape who I've become.
Next Paragraph: Now I want to work in litigation.
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So that's what I'm thinking about going with as of right now. Does this work? Does it sound alright? I think I may have some issues with flow and format. One thing I definitely want to keep is the chronology (or lack thereof). I'm shooting for Tulane/SMU/Wake as dream schools. I'd love to hear some insight. Thanks!
==========================================
It was 9:30 pm in a small classroom at the University of X. Octafinal rounds of the prestigious X debate tournament had just concluded and the 3-2 decision rendered by the judges could have come as no greater a surprise. During the five hour drive to X in the cramped, deteriorating school van, I never would have dreamt that I would outlast more than one hundred competitors from every corner of the United States to speak in the quarterfinal round.
As I packed up my research and fervently prepared my case for the next round, my debate partner and long-time friend John burst into the room and nervously extended a piece of paper to me (I'm going to reword this)). I immediately recognized the look of trepidation on his face and as I looked down at the tournament schematic, my worst fears were confirmed: we were set to face the top policy debate team in the nation in the tournament’s quarterfinal round.
The level of anxiety I felt reached a new height upon entering the large auditorium that would host our next round. The 200 seat room was filled to capacity with ousted competitors, coaches, and curious onlookers. As I approached the podium to give preliminary arguments, the egg-shell timer in my hand shook timidly and I realized just how far I had come in my short life.
Next paragraph: Explain that I was shy and reserved as a kid. I had poor communication skills. I began looking up to people who could change mindsets and influence action through discourse.
Next paragraph: I won the debate round. I realized that something which was once my greatest weakness has become my greatest skill (discourse). My role models have helped shape who I've become.
Next Paragraph: Now I want to work in litigation.
==========================================
So that's what I'm thinking about going with as of right now. Does this work? Does it sound alright? I think I may have some issues with flow and format. One thing I definitely want to keep is the chronology (or lack thereof). I'm shooting for Tulane/SMU/Wake as dream schools. I'd love to hear some insight. Thanks!