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Personal Statement / Re: Opening paragraph too bland?
« on: January 18, 2006, 11:28:02 AM »
As far as not sounding like a regular research paper intro - well, it does sound like an outline out what you intend to present, which isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as you do address each of the points you mention in the body of your PS.
I agree with likewise's assesment that it would help your PS to phrase it in a more active voice. For instance you could revise your final sentence: "I have uncovered some of my passions through interning at the Colorado State Capitol, creating a website to discuss political and economic policy, studying abroad in Spain, and volunteering my time to the needy."
As redemption mentions, the way you start off is problematic. There's an assumption in the first sentence that you have experienced college differently from most students. However I expect the things you describe (self-discovery, developing passions) are actually the typical college student's experience. At the least, they are probably typical for most students who are applying to law school. Another way you could introduce your theme of self-discovery through college is by contrasting what you expected college to be like, and how the actual experience blew your expectations away.
I agree with likewise's assesment that it would help your PS to phrase it in a more active voice. For instance you could revise your final sentence: "I have uncovered some of my passions through interning at the Colorado State Capitol, creating a website to discuss political and economic policy, studying abroad in Spain, and volunteering my time to the needy."
As redemption mentions, the way you start off is problematic. There's an assumption in the first sentence that you have experienced college differently from most students. However I expect the things you describe (self-discovery, developing passions) are actually the typical college student's experience. At the least, they are probably typical for most students who are applying to law school. Another way you could introduce your theme of self-discovery through college is by contrasting what you expected college to be like, and how the actual experience blew your expectations away.