« on: March 29, 2006, 04:22:25 PM »
These are pretty funny... if you're from TX, probably seen them.. but a good read for y'all coming here for law school from out-of-state.
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS
I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I also really hate Chris Simms. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious. I am a Longhorn.
TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY
I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's ass. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone can in my battalion. I like milkmen on the sidelines of football games rather than cheerleaders, I think it is still cool to play with G.I. Joes -- now I just do it with real people and I call it "Corps." I worship a dog named Reveille, who can't even save people like Lassie did. I beat up f*ggots , fish, and hunt for fun. If I'm not yelling, drinking with my battalion, or beating up f*ggots for fun, I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to t.u. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas in college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT t.u. if I want to, and I will laugh and think it's an intelligent insult. I love overalls, and will drive a maroon or white truck or minivan until the day I die. I have to wear a class-ring that is the size of Texas because no one will believe I went to college unless they see it. When I graduate, I am not an alumni; I am a former student. I don't know why, but it's a freaking tradition and I love it. I am an Aggie.
SOUTHERN METHODIST UNIVERSITY
We are Baylor x's TCU to the 3rd Power. I am, of course, in a Fraternity or Sorority -- just like my parents and grandparents were at SMU. My dues are probably more than your college's tuition. I am from Texas or the South East. I outcast people at my school if they are from anywhere else. If I am a guy, I wear pressed-khakis, pastel popped-collar Polos (Horse or Croc only), Croakied Sunglasses, and Sperry Topsiders like it's my job. But because I wear a tattered baseball cap, drive around in an American-made SUV like a Z71 Tahoe or Yukon Denali, and listen to Country Music- I still claim to be a "good ole boy." If I'm a girl, I spend more money shopping than my dad does on my tuition. I've discovered you can fit 78 bags from Neiman Marcus in the trunk of a BMW, Mercedes, or Lexus if you pack them in just right. I take a Luis Vutton bacpack to class, my sorority pin looks really cute on the straps, but it's too small to fit any of my books inside. I look like a celebrity all of the time, and my Daddy probably gives me more in allowance money than some celebrities make. All of us, both guys and girls, are Republican. I don't like protesting or liberal-thinking, and I hate hippies. Although, I've probably spent more money on illegal drugs than the entire 60's Era. I know people that have, or have been myself, to some kind of rehab. I like football season because our tailgates look like Brooks Brothers advertisements. I couldn't get into Vanderbilt or Duke, but my parents never would've dreamed of letting me go to UT or Texas A&M. I'm either on my way to take over my Dad's company, or I am here for the ultimate MRS. degree like First Lady Laura Bush. Have great fear for I am a Mustang.
I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolest thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can coordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have a radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model. I worked my butt off in high school to get in here and am fully paying for my expensive education with scholarships, or else my Mommy and Daddy went here and they're paying for it all and I only got in because they both made some calls. We're the oldest institution of higher learning in the state, yet we've always sucked at football. Its ok, we're just paying our way to be in the Big 12. The only teams that win anything are the baseball team and women's lacrosse but even that's a little too dyke-ish for the rest of the Baptist General Convention. We tell our parents we go to church on Sunday mornings, but really we all get up, get dressed and go to IHOP. Our veins are pumped of Dr. Pepper and we're always wearing a school shirt that some frat or club or dance or 11 o'clock MWF class made. And mandatory Chapel? What is this, communism? It's ok though I guess; I only came here to find a spouse; however it's harder than I thought with the visitation hours being 1 pm to 6 pm every day, so I just date one hall at a time. I go to Baylor, where a '95 silver Accord is actually considered the nicest car driven by a faculty member and the ghetto-est car driven by a student. I am a Bear.
TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY
I am in a fraternity or sorority of course. I drive a big-ass Tahoe (if I'm a guy), a BMW (if I'm less of a guy), or a Land Rover (if I'm a girl). If I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I used to wear my diamonds and heels for football games, but things have changed. Now it's a purple tube top with my Louis Vuitton handbag. School spirit! Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub during the week or Snookies on Sundays. We are having a J. Crew built in the bookstore next year and our send-home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is 4 to 1; where the girls are girls, and so are the guys. I'm a Frog.
TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY
I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live - so I trek to the strip, which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything that requires thinking, especially not class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's ass points to College Station. I fry cow balls. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high. And what the hell is that smell?
I am a Red Raider.
UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON
I work all day or all night. I attend school part-time. I'm trying to get a degree, any degree, to help get a decent job. I live with my parents, and spend as little time on campus as possible. Football games?? You mean we have a football team??? When I say my school is in an urban setting, I'm serious. In the shadows of the fourth largest city in the U.S., right in one of the most crime ridden Wards of the Bayou City. I hate Texas, A&M, and any other big school because they get a real degree. I wish I hadn't flunked out when I was attending a real school. <Bang! Bang!> Duck! <Sirens>... I'm a Cougar.
I live in the fourth biggest city in the country, yet I can go weeks without leaving campus. Even when I do leave, it takes 30 minutes to go get gas, and an hour to move a mile on the 45 or the 59. I was either a dork in high school and am still a dork, or I was a dork in high school and now I pretend to be cool. If asked where I'm from, I respond with my college and not my hometown. To relieve stress I run around campus naked twice a month. If I go to the library at midnight, there's a good chance I might not be able to find a free computer, in which case I can always just go to the pub. The pub is heaven on earth. I worship the baseball team, play drinking games in class, and firmly believe that Martel is not a college. I was a pre-med until orgo made me its two semester female dog, now I'm an academ. Beer bike is the biggest event of the year, yet 90% of people pass out before the races even begin. I think it's cool to cuss at the top of my lungs and call it a cheer. I don't throw out the unpleasant line "that you'll be working for me somday" because, in fact, your boss is the one who will be working for me. Even drunk or stoned, I'm still smarter than you. I am an Owl.