There must be some easily applicable standard for judging applicants. Academic excellence seems as good a measure as anything else.  I disagree with your opinion about those tests being meaningless.  The ability to issue spot and apply the law under time constraints is a skill that should be useful to a new associate with a busy caseload, or to a litigator who must be able to immediately understand when it makes sense to stand up and object.  But, yes, I agree--the way employers judge applicants isn't totally fair. Maybe you'll come up with your own, better, system when you're a managing partner somewhere someday.

Good luck with your project. Dean Veryl Miles at CUA law is one of the first female African-American law school deans. http://www.law.edu/fac-staff/milesv/

Wow, that's terrible. How much student debt do you have?  Can't you save money by moving onto a buddy's couch for a bit?  Many bar prep students work part-time (or even full-time) jobs and still pass the Bar. So, it's not that bad. Also, I wonder if your local bank would be amenable to sitting down with you and working something out?

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Barbri does help you significantly, but law school gives you the basics of what you need to know about how to pass the bar. Basically like teaching you to ride a bike before doing the tour de france. I imagine at Georgetown your first year you learned about consideration in a contract, the elements of negligence, easements, personal jurisdiction am I right? 

Meh-

I think most smart people could pass the bar with a few months pre-study + Barbri.

Sure, I learned the things you mentioned in law school, but the following is a list of subjects I did not take in law school (but are on the bar exam):
Conflict of Laws
Criminal Law
New York Procedure
Secured Transactions/Commercial Paper
Trust/Wills
Agency
Domestic Relations
Worker's Comp
No-Fault Insurance
Leases/Mortgages

The chances of me ever needing to know anything about the above subjects is close to 0 (secured transactions excepted), but I've got to learn them for the bar. By contrast, the bar exam does not test on a ton of classes I did take in law school. For example, I'm 8 tax credits short of an LLM, but the bar exam does not test federal taxation.

I agree with nealric. Most law schools are absolutely not designed with a mind to bar preparation. But, to be honest, bar prep isn't that hard. It's just tedious memorization of clear-cut, black-letter laws. Then, the bar exam is like a super-charged high-school test -- multiple choice or mindless essays to be written in cookie-cutter (IRAC) fashion. A (relatively intelligent) parrot could do that!

I think it's a good thing that most law schools emphasize teaching students how to "think like lawyers" and understand the traditions of the law, rather than teaching to the bar. The JD is a professional doctorate degree after all! As an aside, my understanding is that some of the lower ranked schools (which generally have students who are comparatively worse at standardized testing) have more required "bar courses" and generally focus more on bar preparation in law school.

I think you should be able to score a paralegal position. Emphasize your strengths.  Acknowledge, but do not dwell on your weaknesses. Your biggest strength is that you have a law degree. Most paralegals do not.  Obviously, don't tell prospective employers that you remember nothing from law school. Get back up to speed a bit before applying. Why don't you review basic legal research and writing techniques? You can look over course outlines to refresh your memory of substantive law.

I recommend that you contact your school's career services office and ask for help. They may be able to help you get in contact with Alumni or with lawyers who have struggled with their own substance abuse issues and thus may be happy to help you out. Some sort of organization dealing with substance abuse might also be able to help -- for example AA, or whatever.

As to taking the bar and whatnot . . . why not just go one step at a time? Refresh your memory and get a job as a paralegal. Then you can think about becoming an attorney.