Harvard sent me that stupid 'invite to apply so we can raise our selectivity stats, because your scores are no where near competitive for our elite law school' letter. I couldn't resist putting this one on my credit card just to send them crap....and more crap: In the form of words and numbers. It is as horrible as my proposed "Why UPenn?" essay:
Why UPenn? When I think of all my atypical goals in life, making a lot of money is one of the most important to me. I have noticed that UPenn Law School is in the top 10 rankings and that the average starting salary for graduates is $125,000. I also know that approximately only 16 other schools can help me achieve this goal. My question back to the admission staff, "Why the hell not UPenn?"
Dear Sir or Madam:
I have compiled a list of why you should accept me. I know numbered lists are not a preferred method for essay format, but after many nights contemplating, I feel this is the easiest way for me to convey, and you to understand, why I am the perfect student for Harvard Law School!
1) Iím not arrogant like the majority of Ivy League law students, because I know that I truly am better than everyone else. There is no need to reaffirm this. Acknowledging, accepting, and reminding everyone of this only furthers my humble demeanor and overall humility.
2) Iíll be the best looking student in the entire school.
3) I know I can drink more than any other possible student, a paramount skill for corporate law. That has to involve some symbolic power.
4) My parents will punish me if I donít get in.
5) Iíll be the smartest student. And in smarter I mean in things which pertain to many various facets of life. Excluding academiaÖor law. Mostly concerning things I've learned from television. I only watch MTV and BET.
6) My faÁade assimilates. Iím a money-driven chameleon. I have to be a group-thinking sheep for colleague approval? "Oh My God, we are so much alike; I was thinking the same thing." Sycophants are cool? Iíll be the biggest feminine hygiene product-bag-teacher-suck-up. I have to make-out with a 7.3 lbs. textbook? Iíll do it doggy style.
7) I have a better personality than any other possible student.
8. I also had a dream, just like a great American we all came to know.
9) I have a great body. When I work out. Or when I go on amphetamine binges.
10) Although I have no cool personal story involving my escape from the systematic genocide in my native country or violent persecution of my faith, one time at the local liquor store the register lady wouldnít sell me a bottle of Jagermeister. Her reasoning? I smelled like liquor. This is an archetypical example of the advert prejudice that every binge-drinker buying more liquor has endured in every city, in every country, the world over. That day I was just one martyr amidst the institutionalized prejudice of our post-prohibition populace. What happened to Civil Rights? I thought this was America.
11) People tend to think I am extremely sexy. Just the other day, this 89 lbs., old Thai woman told me I was. She didnít exactly tell me outright, but she definitely hooked me up with extra Thai flatbread, and her eyes conveyed that ďyouíre the sexiest person everĒ look. I knew she was right.
12) Iíve been robbed at gunpoint and shot 8 times in the foot. As I was seeking medical attention, a Doberman smelled the blood and attacked. This added color and character to my crazy and extreme life, exactly what Iím bringing to Harvard. All law schools want a diverse student body, and how many people in law school can claim that this has happened to them? Not many. Thatís why it happened to me.
13) I didnít even study the logical reasoning section for the LSAT, the LSAT needs to study my logic. Iím extremely logical; the most logical; more logical than the LSAT; Iím so logical that my philosophical theories become objective, or at least thatís why my logic tells me. Thatís why Iím willing to go to a law school for only $150,000 for three years. You canít pass up a money-saving educational deal like that.
14) When I was little, my parents used to tell me that I was really smart and that I was going to Harvard Law School. Even though now the only thing they tell me is that Iím a greedy prostitute. And that I have orthodontist bills that are 9 years past due, which I have to pay.
15) Iím a people person. Thatís what the morbidly obese Romanian guy at the Dodgers game told me. He had a gold pinky ring. Iím sure Harvard Law School would follow his logic and admit me.
16) Overcoming Hardships? Lock yourself in a room doing five beats a day for three summers. I deserve to do these Harvard numbers.
17) I'm so unique, I don't even care if other law students don't like me because of my individuality......as long as they think I have a gorgeous face.