It's very well written, however, I'm not sure I like the theme. It seems as though you are referring to yourself as just another ordinary person. I would submit to you that most people are shaped by the small influences around them rather than a single defining moment, and that nothing in your personal statement suggests that your development in life was anything out of the ordinary. For example, your story rings similar to the following statements: "As a child, I spoke my first word. After I spoke that first word, my mother praised me. Her praise influenced me to speak more. I can now speak extraordinarily well because of her praise." There's really nothing extraordinary about that -- it's just natural development.
You need to think long and hard about what it is that makes you stand out from the crowd. Why do you want to go to law school? From what I can gather in your proposed statement, law school would be just another "'little' thing in life" that you could use to "move on to the next modest-but-defining moment." No law school wants someone that like that. Law schools want winners (i.e., extraordinary students with grand aspirations).
thanks for the input. i thought long and hard about what you said when i first wrote it in fact, and i decided in writing the statement the way i did, i wanted to speak about my natural
progression, my writing ability, and a few specific things that have shaped me. i wanted to show myself as what i am: a normal guy that's had certain circumstances develop certain skills that make me ideal for law school. i took into account that it made me sound a bit ordinary (self-admittedly) but the "bigger things" in the last statement was supposed to be law school, not the "next modest moment".
also, i don't know what quite makes a "winner" in the way you mean it? what is a winner? am i supposed to talk about awards, a grander scale, or how i want to be the best lawyer there ever was? i don't know i quite agree with grand aspirations being a plus; no one wants a dreamer. perhaps i'm a realist.
i'll keep your feedback in mind though when i look to edit it. thanks again.