Okay, get comfortable, it's time for Nesnut to rant Today's topic: Silent Hill the Movie and The Movie-Going Experience in General
So I went to see Silent Hill because I'm a complete fucktard who actually thought that maybe, MAYBE, just this one time, the "videogame knock-off" or "scary looking kids are evil because they all walk funny, wear dirty dresses and have dark eyes" genre may actually pull through to be entertaining. I had just finished a delightful meal at Pie n' Burger (in Pasadena) and I thought, "Hmm, some fine cinema at my local cineplex with a friend would be dandy." I was wrong.
First off, there are two types of movie theaters: indie/foreign theaters and everything else. The indie/foreign flick theaters generally have a lot of wealthy hipsters with tight pants and a penchent for comparing everything in cinema to Andy Warhol, which makes no sense, but then again, neither do wealthy hipsters and tight pants. The films are always better, the popcorn is always less buttery and there are always never high school kids in abercrombie pullovers on their bling-bling look at me cellphones standing in front of the theater attempting to look cool while waiting for mom to pull up and take them home. The chances of me seeing somethign with Audrey Tatou in it skyrockets, thereby making me a happier movie-goer. In short, I love me the Laemmle.
The second theater is your run-of-the-mill AMC/Krikorian/Edwards/Mann theater. They are all dickshits (new word, please use it) and think that "student prices"
of $0.50 off a $9.00 ticket are suddenly a bargain. The popcorn is heartattack in a bucket, the red vines are stale and there is always at least 1 person of such extreme obesity that their efforts to order a diet
coke with their hot dog, nachos, twizzlers and xtra large popcorn makes me giggle in ironic joy. These theaters are COVERED in highschool teeny-boppers, all of which now must have one of the following hairstyles:
Men- "messy but totally groomed"--"spikey"--"buzz cut"--"surfer cool"
Women- "pixie cut"--"oh my god this is TOTALLY how they wear it on the OC"--"traditional ponytail"--"oh my god this is TOTALLY how they wear it on Laguna Beach"
Needless to say, I hate these theaters, and generally stay the @#!* away from them if I can. Not tonight, folks- tonight I made a bad choice. Here are the details.
First off, this film draws the very dumb, the very smart, the very fat, the very irritating, the very young and the very horny ("dude, chicks dig scary movies- SCORE!") to it. I, naturally, was surrounded by all of them, because Jesus hates me and thinks I deserve such punishment. The previews haven't even begun yet and I'm already hating myself- but then the local advertisements come on the screen. Ads for miltiary antique shops and Chinese restaurants dance across the screen, ending with 72,321 ads for the same realtor who wants to "make my dreams of home ownership a reality." Really, lady, with that hair, you're only making fear and destruction a reality. Stay the hell away from anything in my dreams (especially those involving Audrey Tatou).
And speaking of the fine French female, the first preview I see is for the DaVinci Code- my heart dances with Audrey and sinks with a feathered-haired Tom Hanks, who looks hella stupid (yes, that's right- hella). Even in the previews he seems to have problems acting, as though he's still talking to that volleyball from "Castaway." There's a preview for some stereotypical "black people all live in poverty and can only play sports or walk in a drumline" movie about a bunch of black guys who play street ball for money in the hopes of making it big and moving out of poverty. It also has Wayne Brady in it, which made me just about piss myself in ironic humor.
Okay, previews are done, movie starts. That'll be the next post.