« on: November 20, 2013, 02:14:32 AM »
Overall, I like the feel.
1.) Maybe change the intro slightly. I wouldn't start with "The." You might consider “Look!” a thin, graying man shouted after I delivered my introduction at .....etc.
2.) Maybe refer to it as Nostrand Ave after initially using the full street address.
3.) "I am dedicated to studying law because it will allow me to pursue a career in which I use my education, experience, and skills to be an agent of positive change in individual lives and communities." This is a great sentence. I think could be made stronger if you work in the idea that you will not only pull from your education, professional and personal experience, but also the fact that you work within the context/venue in which you're approached from.
Just my two cents.
*We have a similar "mission" in regards to our statements. Care to look at mine?