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Personal Statement / Re: what do you think of my PS so far? need advice before proceeding
« on: October 12, 2009, 08:14:13 PM »
I'm just another lowly law school applicant. Not a "professional Ivy-educated essay editor" by any means.
But I think you could do with more imagery at the very beginning.
Describe the setting more. Was it hot? Was it crowded? Is there a smell you remember? Is there memorable color to the classroom?
With your "It's 9:30PM in a small classroom..." I see that you're trying to put the reader in your place, but I don't know that describing a time is the most effective way to do that.
Sorry to only have a negative. Not much else to go on.
From the other paragraph summaries, it looks like this could really go places.
But I think you could do with more imagery at the very beginning.
Describe the setting more. Was it hot? Was it crowded? Is there a smell you remember? Is there memorable color to the classroom?
With your "It's 9:30PM in a small classroom..." I see that you're trying to put the reader in your place, but I don't know that describing a time is the most effective way to do that.
Sorry to only have a negative. Not much else to go on.
From the other paragraph summaries, it looks like this could really go places.